1974's "Tender Dracula" was shot in France under the title "La Grande Trouille" (The Big Scare), purportedly a comedy, which may be the main reason why Peter Cushing chose to star, as 'High Priest of Horror' MacGregor, not a real vampire but an actor known for playing one, ala Christopher Lee. At the 16 minute mark, our introduction to him is a pleasant surprise, suitably attired in cape and fangs, but the relentless, unfocused insanity makes for a very unpleasant viewing experience. Alida Valli is the only other veteran in the cast, while the rest are cardboard ciphers of no interest whatsoever. As a sex farce, there are neither laughs nor thrills, as the two actresses are poorly made up, resembling a pair of bored drag queens. As for Peter Cushing, the role could have been much like Boris Karloff's Byron Orlok in "Targets," an icon who wants to abandon the genre that made him famous, but this lone directorial effort from prolific producer Pierre Grunstein offers no substance to support its star (there are photos from titles like "Tales from the Crypt" and "From Beyond the Grave," setting up a short sequence with Cushing playing his own gravedigger grandfather). It's a rare instance where Cushing can be said to be hammy, forgivable under the arduous circumstances, but his yearnings to free himself from 'horror' to 'romance' come off as very real, the lone 'truth' amid so much that's false ("she's not afraid of growing old, she's in love. Love is ageless, and because she is in love, she is pure. All things from above are peaceful, gentle, and pure"). Christopher Lee would have his chance in 1976's "Dracula and Son," in which he did indeed play a real vampire, just not Dracula.

Tender Dracula is a combination horror film and French bedroom farce. It is one of Peter Cushing's least known films and for good reason. He plays a hammy actor who may or may not be a real vampire. Though Cushing is listed as the star, the film centers a lot more on the antics of two writers who visit Cushing's castle by the sea and the two girls they bring with them. There is a lot of nudity, some blood, some dream sequences and very little sense. It's like the makers want the viewer to puzzle over whether what is happening is real or not. By the end, the film becomes almost dream-like and makes no sense whatsoever. It's anybody's guess as to why Cushing signed on for this film. It is way beneath him. It's even beneath John Carradine!

I'm giving this one a four out of ten just based on sheer obscurity: There is nothing quite so satisfying as engaging in some activity that most others cannot, and for very good reasons "Tender Dracula" is about as obscure as it gets, as in literally "difficult to see". For a few years I have made it a policy to neither confirm nor deny that I have an original VHS of this title after being warned that there were people who would literally do anything to get a copy of it ... Now that I have finally found time to see the movie I can think of a few things I'd like to have, so bring it on.

Peter Cushing manages a little tongue in cheek as the Count of a wonderfully crumbling French castle that along with him are the best things in this film. There is nudity, sex, some graphic dismemberment and lots and lots of jabbering Frenchmen running around waving their arms and acting in that "gonzo Euro comedy" manner that mystifies most American viewers. A pair of French writer doofuses are sent by their producer to his castle to get an exclusive on Cushing's Count, who is a horror film actor or something like that, an idea that would later be used in "Dracula: Father and Son", which also was a French made horror/comedy spoof/satire filled with lots of French actors running around, waving their arms excitedly and jabbering. I sense an idiom trait here of the sub-genre I refer to as "Weird French Crap". See other long lost mega-obscure titles like LA GOULVE/EROTIC WITCHCRAFT or DEVIL STORY for more information, they are priceless.

The story was too perfunctory to be memorable, with the most potent aspect of the film being it's atmosphere and all of the cringe inducing would-be musical numbers being sung by Miou-Miou stark naked whilst wearing an appalling 1970s super curl wig and metallic makeup. Meanwhile Cushing's half mute shuffling Igor type butler is lopping off his toes & administering beatings to the pair of writers, one of whom is portrayed by Bernard Menez, who would later figure prominently into "Dracula: Father and Son" as well. When Hammer went bale in 1974 their best actors went to France to make gonzo Euro comedy spoofs ala YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN with this putz? I know I am just not getting into the spirit of things here and promise to try and find time for another screening between now and when hell freezes over, but aside from looking at the gloriously dank, unkempt and uncomfortable looking castle the proceedings were set in I didn't get much out of this movie. The best way that it can be described of is "some French hack aping Jess Franco aping Juan Lopez Moctezuma aping Mel Brooks" but even that doesn't quite put the sheer vapidness of the production into perspective. It's also curious for a movie with such abundant nudity to not be sleazy: The Euro artiness even smothers the smut factor, unless you find yourself attracted to skinny French B actresses wearing obnoxious looking wigs.

I'll try one more time: This is another one of those confusing European horror comedies like FRANKENSTEIN'S GREAT AUNT TILLIE, DR. TARR'S TORTURE DUNGEON, "Mama Dracula", "Lady Dracula", or THE THRILLING VAMPIRES OF VOGEL with some otherwise respectable genre actor plunked in the middle of Euro arty cacophony. There are a few good laughs and plenty of nude bodies (including the obligatory French orgy conclusion, played for laughs rather than erotica), some good atmosphere and lashings of gore, but in the end you kind of have to wonder what they were thinking when they proposed the film. It's not quite horrifying enough to be an outright horror movie and not quite funny enough to be a recommended comedy, it's more kind of an experiment in surrealism with Peter Cushing trying his darndest as usual. Fans of Jean Rollin's work will no doubt be enamored, anyone else may very well wonder what the point of it all was. Other than coming up with an excuse to film a low budget movie in that amazing castle they found. What a place!

4/10